**COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043] - Page 3
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Old 09-01-2014, 05:27 AM   #41
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

^Really appreciate that, especially the comments about the writing. Like I said in the beginning I'm not here to preach or judge. We all have our own paths and far be it from me to tell anyone else how to get through life.

As to your comments about certain parts being familiar to you, I'm not on a crusade, but if you ever need an ear shoot me a PM.

Thanks again.

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Old 09-01-2014, 05:20 PM   #42
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

Part II

My personal life was being propped up by twigs and I landed a job at a local collection agency / billing company. With the turnover rate at jobs of this nature being high the major requirement for advancement is just staying there. Fast forward a year and a half later and I found myself promoted to assistant manager. I was drinking on the clock here too but my presence seemed to outweigh anything else and I worked my way up the ranks in spite. I remember being at my desk one day and I remember wanting some pills. Pills worked well because, if taken in the proper amounts, I could get very high with little noticeable side effects.

I Picked up the phone, called my old family dentist in Oklahoma, gave him a line about pain in my tooth, insurance company change, and being unable to get to the dentist for another 3 weeks. He bought it and I was off and running on the pill front. What happens to me is always the same. It’s only going to be one time. But next thing I know I’m working three other local dentists, and putting out feelers at work, for which of these people could help me score. My back teeth were shot full of holes, and decaying away from the years of methamphetamine use back in Oklahoma, so making up a lie about pain was a hard thing for any professional to refute.

I remember one instance in particular where I had decided it was probably best to find a new dentist. I had already given the “I lost the original script you wrote me” story to the other three, and ran through the replacement scripts much faster than I had intended. I remember looking through the insurance network of accepted dentists. I was looking for one of those not-so-nice strip shopping mall offices, but nice enough to not be on the lookout for junkies. These make decent marks because they’re all about getting you in, and they’re all about getting you out, so they usually don’t ask too many questions.

The dentist took one look at my teeth and said they’re going to have to come out. This came as a surprise because usually it’s x-rays, with a follow up appointment, and a script to tide me over.

Okay sounds good. If they have to come out, they have to come out. But see I don’t have time to do it today so could we set an appointment for maybe Tuesday of next week?

She then proceeded to tell me that she could have them out in less than half an hour if I had half an hour to spare. Here was the dilemma. I began to get the sense that I wasn't going to get anything from her unless I had the procedure. Did I want the pills that bad? Surely not. I believe at this time I told her I needed to call my wife, walked out front, and faked the call. I came back in and told the girl at the desk that I had spoken with my wife and we just didn't have the time. I made an appointment for the next week. I hated having to ask for the meds, and was always nervous when it came down to it, but never nervous enough not to ask. I asked, she left, came back as if she knew, and told me that the doctor wasn't willing to write anything without the procedure.

I smiled. I went to the car. I sat. I remember it being hot. I remember putting my hands on the wheel but not turning the key. I remember thinking. I remember thinking about the procedure. I remember thinking about the pills. I remember thinking how better my life would be if I had them. Then, I remember walking back in.

That less than thirty minute procedure wound up taking nearly an hour and a half. There was pulling, drilling, blood, more pulling, twisting, yanking and pain. She just couldn't seem to get them out at all. In that moment I wondered just who was more crazy? This dentist who clearly has no business handling pliers, or me, the guy who let her take four teeth in trade for a 20 of Vicodin. These are the lengths I will go, to get what it is that I want, when that version of me is out of options.

Shortly thereafter I found myself hooked on pills. Not in the way that I got sick if I didn't have any, but more in the way of I just couldn't imagine life without them. I didn't have any real connections, and knowing that there were medicine cabinets chalk full of them, I knew the connections I had charged way too much.

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Old 10-01-2014, 01:00 AM   #43
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

Congrats on the release. I think the title really reflects the mood of the album. Thanks for sharing it. All the best.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:04 AM   #44
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

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I dont want you to take this the wrong way, but im sortof hooked, and ill probably stay with you on this one till your finished. Your honesty and some of the things i recognize VERY well from my own life make these stories oddly(?) appealing, but lets not forget that i also really like the way you write them. Descriptive and pretty complete yet never overburdened. And now i feel clumsy with words but that happens sometimes.
I'm hooked too! Great writing, pure honesty, and it will make the music all the more meaningful knowing where it came from.
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Old 10-01-2014, 05:51 PM   #45
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

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I didn't have any real connections, and knowing that there were medicine cabinets chalk full of them, I knew the connections I had charged way too much.
It’s amazing how many people leave their front door unlocked, or a window open, or have a doggie door large enough for a skinny human to squeeze through. I had a wife, a new daughter, and a steady job, but neither one of those things could stop me from taking what I wanted. Over the few months, several months, six months, whatever, timelines are blurred so I’m not really sure, I began to use my allotted hour for lunch as a means to look for anything, that would change the way I felt. I knew I couldn't keep this going forever, and had already had a near miss or two, but up the driveway I went. It must have been in the summertime because I remember it being very hot.

Being unsuccessful in gaining entry I was emerging out of the unlocked backyard fence gate when the truck pulled up the drive way. I remember freezing. I remember not knowing what to do. Then, I remember him stepping out of the cab. He was a large man, much larger than I, with tattoos for sleeves, slicked back hair, and sunglasses.

Oh hello, you see, sorry I work just up the street and was coming back from a friend’s house on my lunch break. I was running late and was just hopping through your back yard for a short cut.

He didn't buy it and said he was going to call the police. I then proceeded to reiterate the lie I had just told, pointing out that I was in work clothes and married. The newly added information didn’t turn the trick either and that’s when he proceeded to tell me the following…

I’m a convicted felon. As you can see I’m trying to put my life in order. You should consider yourself lucky because two years ago your face would have already been spilled up and down my driveway. I’m going to give you a choice. You can either stop talking and let me call the cops or I can splatter your face all across the pavement here. It’s up to you, but you had better decide quick, else I’m going to decide for you and I can tell you it won’t be pretty.

I’m not very fast, and even less strong, so I told him he’d better just call the police. Obviously I lied to the cops too. They didn't buy it either and several hours later I was on the phone at the county jail lying to my wife. Shortly thereafter I was booked in and shortly after that I was trying to fall asleep. You know you’re an alcoholic when you’re lying in jail and the thing you fear most is your wife finding the bottles you had hidden ‘round the house. Three days and a ten thousand dollar parent paid bond later, I was in the car on the way back home, to go and face the music.

That story concludes with me lying to my wife, lying to my parents, lying to my lawyer, who told my lies to the judge, and a felony home invasion plead down to a misdemeanor trespass. Those lies that I told, were put in the sack with all the other lies I was carrying around, that I refused to put down ‘till much later.

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Old 11-01-2014, 02:26 PM   #46
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

I can't wait for this release. I've been reading a few of RFJ's paragraphs.

When the release drops, I'll be sure to read the pdf along to the tracks.
I feel this will be a highly convincing release.

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The more you keep up w the board the less you'll want the OP at the top every time you open a thread you've been following and / or active in.
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Old 11-01-2014, 06:24 PM   #47
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

To make a long portion of the next part of this story short, due to a handful of pills I took from a bottle I scored during an I'm off to work but really driving to Mexico lie; I found myself on anti-seizure medication after two seizure inducing overdoses which landed me in the hospital twice in one weekend. I remember lying my way through the ER. I remember lying my way through an MRI. I remember lying my way through an EEG. Then, I remember telling the same lie to a neurologist who put me on meds.

Due to the nature of the medication, the neurologist told me and my wife, that it would be best if I were only to have two drinks per week. So, I did what any alcoholic worth his salt would do. I went out and bought the largest set of wine glasses you could find and began to look for more creative ways of hiding hard liquor. Iím really not sure how long it took to get from there, to her threatening to leave if I didn't stop, but I donít remember it taking very long.

My problems were piling up and I couldn't stop lying so I figured the best thing to do was to quit drinking. After all, if I didn't have anything to lie about I wouldn't have any more problems. So I told her I was finished. Actually I begged her to stay with a promise Iíd find a group and, once again, start anew. But as the story goes, there was always one more attempt, and with every attempt there was always one more failure.

I managed to stay dry for quite some time, long enough to have a son, before the next failure. The next failure came in the form of my wife going out of town and a handful of pills I came across while visiting relatives back home. In truth, knowing full well Iíd be surrounded by medicine cabinets, I had been planning this particular failure since the day we purchased the airline tickets. I put roughly twelve Vicodin in my sock, and carried them all the way back to California, in anticipation of my wifeís planned weekend get away with the girls, shortly after our return.

This failure was brought into the light by a series of giddy posts I made on Facebook the night I chewed up the pills. Once again, trust was ruined. I didn't see what the big deal was and my lack of remorse turned righteous indignation drove a wedge between her and I. I remember blame. I remember resentment. I remember a loss of intimacy. I remember one last ditch effort to patch things up with a weekend away to plan our future. I remember that weekend going down in flames. Then, I remember methamphetamine...

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Old 11-01-2014, 08:01 PM   #48
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

I think it would be interesting if you could give some sort of timeline in the story. Like maybe just the time that each event/story took place.
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Old 11-01-2014, 09:02 PM   #49
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

Oh yeah sure good idea....

To relate how this story fits with my relationship with IDMf I registered here in September of 2010, just before my sons first birthday and in the middle of the dry period mentioned in my last post. The incident with my wife going out of town was July of 2010, and the meth started maybe 3 months after that.

I'll put a date range from here on out but I was hanging around here for all the rest of what's to come.

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Old 13-01-2014, 06:06 PM   #50
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

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I remember blame. I remember resentment. I remember a loss of intimacy. I remember one last ditch effort to patch things up with a weekend away to plan our future. I remember that weekend going down in flames. Then, I remember methamphetamine...
October 2010 - March 2011

In all actuality I’m pretty sure the meth was there before the loss of intimacy and the weekend get-away to patch things up. In fact, based upon a family portrait taken for the Christmas card that year, I know it was. The trip occurred in February and the methamphetamine, just like everything else, was to be a one-time-only thing.

My method was simple. I’d buy things like gas, groceries, the occasional nick-knack, anything that could be justified as a valid purchase, anywhere they offered cash back when using a bankcard. Every time I made a purchase, I’d grab an extra twenty, and be off and running. I’d get high in the morning on the way to work. I’d get high in the bathroom at work. I’d get high on my lunch break in the work parking lot. Then I’d get high enough to sustain me on the way home from work and lay there in bed awake all night long. Looking back I’m not sure why I carried on this way for so long because it was only the first fifteen minutes of being high that I really enjoyed.

The rest was a chase. A chase of the way it made me feel like it did when I was young, a chase after the first fifteen minutes, and a chase that always wound up to be a chase in vain. The rest of the time was spent in a crippling paranoia that rendered me incapable of being of any real use at the office or in the home. As a result of this my work suffered and my marriage quickly went further down the drain. My work became a nightmare of un-responded to e-mails, and paperwork left undone, that was shoved into my desk drawers until they were nearly overflowing. As for my marriage, we were less than roommates, and there would be no physical touch of any kind for a period that lasted just about 365 days, plus or minus a few.

Keep in mind I worked for a billing company and spent a fair amount of time on the phone. I was convinced that the powers-that-be at the office were onto me and playing a game of cat and mouse via cameras in the ceiling that didn't even exist, and calls made by fake people with fake accounts. As a result of this I stopped making note of anything at all in the computer system. I figured if I didn't note it then the call never happened. If I was ever to be confronted, I would have plausible deniability, were the account in question thrown in my face. Behind every echo in the receiver, every long pause, every glance from a fellow employee, every closed door meeting, every note in the system, even behind the plumber who came to look at the toilet, there was an agenda. The agenda, I was convinced, had everything to do with me.

All of this was magnified by the real account holders that I took as fake calling back in when what I told them was going to happen never did. Be it a requested duplicate billing statement, or the removal of a late charge, or the extension of a due date, it seemed like every time I put an answer to something that person would call back. I was in management so I didn't have to answer the phone. I would sit there straining to hear the conversations on the floor, from the rep trying to sort out what had happened, with a person on the other end, who had way too many details to be making it up. Not any of this was suffice to give it up because behind it all the chronic condition remained.

The irony is this...

My mission to move out west and change my life had led me straight back to the things I was trying so hard to run away from. As I arose from the dining room table to pack my bags, on that fateful night mentioned at the beginning, I was still trying to find some way to keep it hidden.

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Old 13-01-2014, 07:17 PM   #51
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

Someone finally bumped this so I could see it. Just wanted to say congrats and I can't wait to listen to it at home on a decent sound system or at least with headphones. Work speakers are pretty weak.

This is an amazing, supportive community, too.
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Old 13-01-2014, 07:45 PM   #52
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

fuck man i just want to read the whole thing. seriously so good.

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Old 14-01-2014, 05:18 PM   #53
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

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My mission to move out west and change my life had led me straight back to the things I was trying so hard to run away from. As I arose from the dining room table to pack my bags, on that fateful night mentioned at the beginning, I was still trying to find some way to keep it hidden.
March 2011 - October 2011

I temporarily moved back in with the friend that moved me out here and proceeded to minimize the issue and blame her. My wife told me that I wasn't to move back in until I told her everything. So, quickly, I formulated another lesser version of the truth which I presented to my friend, and later, to my wife. Caffeine pills with a kick is what I said I was told they were because an addicted father of two smoking street drugs was out of the question.

Both of them bought it.

My wife subsequently presented me with a list of move back in criteria that included meetings, counseling, and random drug testing. The meetings and counseling were of no concern, but the random tests had me worried, because I had no real intentions of quitting. During that period of time I usually saw my wife on the weekends, so I figured so long as I didn't take any drugs after a Wednesday, Iíd be in the clear for the tests come Saturday. Saturday would come; Iíd pop a clean one, and by Saturday night be off and running again.

Shortly thereafter I had checked off all the boxes set forth by my wife, lied my way around one test, passed the others, and shortly after all that I found myself sleeping in my wifeís bed once again.

Itís a hard thing trying to figure out how to portray the six months that followed. Sure, there were plenty of incidents that I could describe of getting high and lying about it. I lied to her, to my parents, to my extend family, to our therapist, and to my friends. I lied not only about the drugs, but about everything, and portrayed my wife as a controlling sociopath to anyone and everyone who would listen. But the primary thing that marks this period of time, over and above the stories and lies, was that what I had become was an addicted fake, and I donít know any other way of telling it than that.

My wife would tell you that when she found the cocaine she was relieved; relieved due to the fact that finally, there it was, the real and irrefutable truth, right in the palm of her hand. As for me, I was in the shower. I remember taking off my sock the night before. I remember both of us hearing the bag crinkle. I remember our eyes meeting in a sort-of mutual I know you heard that but Iím not bringing it up now kind of way. Then, I remember for the first time in my life it being impossible to lie...

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Old 15-01-2014, 02:09 AM   #54
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

Really cool track, looking forward to hearing the release! Really down to earth story so far. I've read it all and it is sad what drugs and alcohol can do to any person. Can't wait to read the rest!

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Old 15-01-2014, 04:04 PM   #55
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

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I remember both of us hearing the bag crinkle. I remember our eyes meeting in a sort-of mutual I know you heard that but Iím not bringing it up now kind of way. Then, I remember for the first time in my life it being impossible to lie...
Part III

October 10th, 2011

Itís...it's cocaine.

From a co-worker.

I guess you were right about me all along.


If your son would have found that he'd be dead is what she said and looking back now I know she was right.

If Iím honest, like her I was probably relieved a little bit too. While I still had zero intention of quitting, the heat was soon to be off, and I was already packing another bag. But I was also afraid because I knew what was to come. There would have to be conversations with people like my mother, with people like my father, with my friends, and many others. What it really came down to was, this time the chronic condition was highly at risk, and there was really no way around it.

By nature Iím a people pleaser who canít bear the thought of letting you down. Doesn't seem that way, but itís true. My need to be accepted runs so deep that when I've done anything at all which threatens that, Iíll do whatever I can to make it go away. I have no idea why this is, but my mother would tell you, that I've been doing this type of thing ever since I learned how to speak. It is this need for acceptance that had led me back to the bottle, time, and time, and time again. When all of my efforts to cover and hide have failed, I can drink myself into oblivion, and my need for acceptance disappears. The end of my love affair with drugs and alcohol was at hand but I wasn't ready for it to be over quite yet.

That very morning I stopped off at the liquor store to buy a couple of the same red toppers that served for celebration so many years ago. Being as I hadn't touched a drop of alcohol since begging her not to leave, maybe three years prior to that day, I figured a stiff four ounces ought turn the trick. The funny thing is I was still, even in the light of all that came before, telling myself; justÖthisÖonce. After all, I had had a hard morning, and no way to get high, so I felt that I deserved it.

That was early October. I remember this because my sonís 2nd birthday was the very next day. At the party I was present but absent and totally missed his second year wake up. Being present but absent is what marked my relationship with my children for the next three months to follow. Being so worried about when I could have my next drink, most of our interacting time, I spent clock watching. It wasn't too long after the red toppers that morning when my liquor consumption reached yet another all-time high.

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Old 16-01-2014, 05:58 PM   #56
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

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It wasn't too long after the red toppers that morning when my liquor consumption reached yet another all-time high.
October 30th - Mid November 2011

It was the day before Halloween that I wrecked the car. The booze just wasn't getting me to where I really wanted to be so I hopped in and drove downtown to see if I could score some rock cocaine. I was a pro at this back in Oklahoma so I figured that downtown San Diego would be a gold mine. Luck for me, but again, unlucky for this narrative it wasn't. I talked to many different people who I profiled as dealers or users but not a single one could, or wanted to, come across. I don’t even remember the accident happening. One second I was driving and the next there was an air bag in my lap and blood on my shirt. Panic set in. I remember wondering if anyone saw me. I remember looking around. I remember putting the bottle under my seat. Then, I remember trying to put the car in reverse and flee the scene.

The car that I had hit was unoccupied and parked so I figured if I could just get the hell out no one would be the wiser. But, the car wouldn't get into gear, and even if it did I wouldn't have made it very far, because the front two tires were blown. As I stepped out to survey the damage I wiped the blood off of my face and heard a voice say; oh my God do you need any help?

No, I'm fine, but I guess you could call the police.

It was my experience from years past that when I met the cops I went to jail so deep down I thought I was done for. I made one last ditch effort to cover up what had really happened by putting the bottle under the spare tire in the trunk just as the officer was pulling up. The events that transpired next, to this day, still baffle me. There were no questions to speak of. I wasn't asked to walk a line. There was no mention of a piss test. The only reason the guy looked at my license was to write my number down for the note that he left for me on the windshield of the car that I destroyed. I told him I was having hard times. He said, yes he could plainly see. I told him my wife had recently asked me to leave and that I must have been distracted. Be it out of pity or a backlog in paperwork, the officer let me call a tow truck, then, he drove away.

The average temperate drinker, at this point, would take a hard look at driving while intoxicated, weigh some consequences, and think about not doing it again. But, being the professional alcoholic that I was, I will have wrecked two other cars before this story comes to its end. In all actuality, the two other cars that I wrecked were really only one car wrecked two times in rapid succession. The insurance company gave me a fancy rental to replace my totaled Honda and shortly thereafter I’d wreck that one twice in a day. The first being a minor fender bender and the second being a collision, head on, with a mountain.

The minor fender bender, lead to me getting screwed out of a thousand dollars, by an auto mechanic passing the scene, who agreed not to report. His shop turned out to be a bay in an abandoned do-it-yourself car wash and to this day I wonder if the joke was on me. As for me and the mountain, the mountain didn't take the car out all the way, but the attempt to continue the drive on rims did. There’s no stopping me when I’m drinking and there’s even less stopping me when I’m drinking and driving. It’s only when the wheels come completely off that I’ll stop, and even then, it’s only because I’m totally out of options.

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Old 17-01-2014, 06:05 PM   #57
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

Sometime in November 2011

My scheduled visits with the kids were effectively cut off the night I showed up intoxicated. In the short span of a little over a month I reached the point in my drinking to where I couldn't physically make it through the day without it. Up to this point I was able to hold off until I left, but those types of visits were getting harder complete. The monsters mission was being executed at a speed yet before unrealized, and a couple times I had to leave sick. So, the morning of what was to be another fateful night, I decided the best thing to do was to just start drinking as early as possible, and then stop just after lunch.

By this time in my drinking I was finished screwing around. That morning, shortly after I awoke, I emptied out half of a large fruit punch Gatorade bottle, the kind you canít wrap your hand around, and added to what was left roughly a half pint of whatever vodka was on special the night before. This was my preferred method of delivery. Not only could it deliver a large dose of what I needed in one quick go, but I could also carry it around in my hand and nobody thought anything of it, so I thought. I took half of one of those to the dome and, tooth brush in tow, I headed off to work.

Itís important to note I was already drinking daily at the office starting at my first break come 10:15 in the morning. As a result of this, once again, my work was suffering. Due to the previous year, in large part being spent smoking crystal, I was already months behind as it was. Somewhere down inside I knew the end of my working relationship with the billing company was nigh, and right about this time, I just gave up and stopped working. I didn't stop going in and getting paid mind you, I just stopped doing any kind of work at all while I was there. On this particular day, however, I remember being extra useless.

When I take a drink, I normally don't stop until I pass out. That day I passed out about 4:00 in the afternoon and didn't come to until quarter after 5:00. I remember going to the bathroom. I remember thinking I just needed to lie down. I remember coming to and checking the time. I remember frantically racing over to my wifeís house. Then, I remember my son...

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Old 17-01-2014, 06:35 PM   #58
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

tl;dr

















Tick tock tick tock it's getting closer to the release! You must be getting all giddy and sleepless already. Again - thx for sharing all this - I'm sure that someone somewhere reading it will see their own reflection and pause for thought.


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Old 17-01-2014, 06:51 PM   #59
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

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tl;dr
Yeah I know but there wasn't any other way.

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Tick tock tick tock it's getting closer to the release! You must be getting all giddy and sleepless already. Again - thx for sharing all this - I'm sure that someone somewhere reading it will see their own reflection and pause for thought.
Thanks again scyn. I will come bearing gifts upon release time for everyone for sitting through this though. And don't worry, the gifts don't require reading of any kind. All they require is clicking a button.

Stay tuned.


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Old 17-01-2014, 06:54 PM   #60
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Re: **COMING SOON** RFJ - of Storybook and Sound [IDMf043]

Much excite! GIFTS ;p

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